An Exclusive Report- Satire—by Stoos Views Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha – Canadafreepress
In a bold move to at once save federal dollars by releasing illegal alien criminals, firing expensive TSA employees, and getting maximum use out of the $50 million dollars that Obama has authorized for new TSA uniforms—apparently exempt from the sequester—the President announced today in an exclusive interview with Canada Free Press/Stoos Views Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha his bold new plan.
“It is a win-win for the folks,” the President said as he relaxed in the Oval Office with his old friend, Hugh Betcha, winner of the “2013 Most Trusted Name in Reporting Award” from MSNBC, a reporter who is respected by both sides of the aisle, most foreign countries and frequent golf partner of the President and Tiger Woods. “In this way, we put the illegal aliens to work and on the path to citizenship, we save millions in salaries paid to those expensive TSA workers, and we give the aliens those snazzy uniforms that I just authorized for $50 million dollars and the savings to the federal budget will be tremendous,” the President stated confidently as he pulled on his Marlboro.
“Yes, but what about all the TSA employees—what will they do?”
“Simple,” the President smiled smugly, “they can get unemployment benefits and food stamps until the economy turns around and they can get jobs somewhere else.”
“Which is when?” Hugh asked.
“Who the Hell knows?” laughed the President. “But the point being, we have to cut somewhere, because Bush and the Republicans cooked up this sequester thing and now we have to make drastic cuts. Since TSA employees are way too expensive—as are most government workers frankly—don’t quote that—the best way to cut costs is to hire illegal aliens that we just released, give them a decent job at minimum wage, give them the pride that comes with a new uniform, and bingo! Problem solved.”
“Bush and the Republicans?”
“Well of course.”
“But weren’t you the one to propose the idea of the sequester?”
“Nope, not me. Never heard of it till Bush and the Republicans foisted it on the American people.”
“But Bob Woodward said…..”
“…bald faced liar…right winger…” replied the President, visibly upset.
“But he is a liberal, award winning reporter who exposed Watergate and….”
“…right wing nut job,” yelled the President.
“Back to the TSA—aren’t you worried about the security aspect of hiring illegal aliens to monitor security check points at airports?”
“Not at all…Sure a little more reefer and blow may get through the lines, but we are certain that they will take pride in their work and do a relatively good job of checking stuff.”
“Sure, just look at our terrorist release program. They promised not to take up arms against the United States when we released them from Gitmo. Most of them kept their word…..”