“How to Handle a Terrorist or Crazed Gunman” from the Idiots at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Here is the key advice for handling a workplace situation involving a terrorist, gunman, or crazed shooter in the workplace or school in the U.S.A…  Remember, these are the authorized approved instructions by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security:

1. Know all the exits, even if just visiting an office for a meeting or a store to buy something.

2. Hide under desks or conference tables if running for an exit seems like a bad idea, because hiding under a conference table with 10 other people will surely prevent you from being found.  Don’t forget to turn your cell phone to silent.

3. If while evacuating you come across other injured people, leave them there to die.

4. Though you are in an office, classroom, store or conference room with modular furniture and office cubes, hide behind the sturdy doors (that aren’t there) and barricade them with heavy furniture (which isn’t there).  Turning off the lights (in a location which otherwise has every room well lite) will also convince a terrorist or gunman that no one is hiding there.

5. If it appears you can’t get to an exit or conceal yourself, grab the nearest pair of scissors or maybe a sharp pen to attack and overpower the gunman or terrorist.  We know you don’t have a gun of your own because we took them all away from non-criminals.  Good luck. (Please Mr. Terrorist. Let me get my scissors so I can defend myself against YOUR firearm.)

6. Remember the authorities will NOT be able to help the injured while trying to eliminate the gunman or terrorist.  Therefore, if you are injured please try to bleed quietly to avoid interrupting the police in their work.  Further, be aware we’ve already instructed the other civilians to leave you to die, so calling for help will merely annoy everyone.  If you can crawl out of the facility with the gunshot wounds, that would be best for everyone involved.

7. When running for your life remember to MAKE NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS, to run with your hands in the air, and not to point at the gunman chasing after you because pointing is a threatening movement by the police. (Everyone knows you can run without movements)

8. Do not scream or yell no matter how excited or injured you may be, nor even if you’re actively being shot at by a terrorist behind you while running for your life.  Raise your hands and SPREAD YOUR FINGERS (no, not the middle one, you could be arrested for that) and don’t mind if the police violently throw you to the ground “just in case”.

9. STAY CALM, that’s an order. source: mpaths

Yes, this is real – not sarcasm. Thanks to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security for this important instructional video. DUH!

Options for Consideration Active Shooter Training Video 

Yep! Nothing to worry about. All these crappy instructions will keep you safe. Now, aren’t you glad Obama and his administration want to take away your firearms?

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